Right of the top everyone should know that I am quite an intense person. Some people describe me as a heavy personality to have around. I strive to understand the world in as much depth as I can handle. My most difficult task is asking for help and taking the hand that is offered when I falter. This takes me to some very dark places and as difficult as it maybe for some of you to listen to this, taking my own life is a common thought. Although this may sound to be a terrible thing, I am grateful that I can experience the emotions of such a situation. It helps me understand the depths of despair. It helps me to understand the feelings of having no hope, no reason, no other way through, being alone, the feeling of not wanting to burden others with my shit, feeling that the world is better off with me gone. Now you may wonder what puts me back on balance, or what pulls me from the edge?
For me, this may sound crazy but the fact that I am willing
and able to walk that path is a challenge I give myself. Each time I go down
this path, I run into myself at five years old. I look that little guy in the
face and he tells me to smile, go play outside, climb a tree, roll down a hill,
explore, throw a ball around, shoot pucks or other such stuff. Then he thanks
me for checking in with him and having the courage to continue on. We are
usually sitting on the shore of a huge lake or the ocean. We skip some rocks
together sometimes and slowly that fades away as my eyes open.
After that I take a deep breath and go play. Each day is a
step, I am not interested in winning the race or even finishing the race, I am
interested in doing my best with each step.
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