conflicted

Here I sup with people, people of great warmth and love

Here I sit alone with metal mosquitos that travel past me carrying their injurious venom.

Here I think of those I am protecting while they dance and laugh together.

Here I wish I was there – there I think of here.

                                I am torn

Today my love has gone and only now do I fear death.

Today she dances with another.  I have lost my reason to protect.

Here I sit with those that protect me yet the greatest injury has not come from those outside but from within, the one that I protect, that I love.

Today I no longer wish to protect

Today I wish to walk and forget about everything.

Here I sit thinking of there wishing I was elsewhere

wHere is elsewHere

                                I am torn.

I wrote this some years back.  It was after a few years of anguish that my mind had enough of war.  I had no idea how to stop people from killing eachother.  The mantra of kill or be killed soon began to take root yet so did the mantra, if you can not beat them join them.  I had enough.  However I kept thinking of the soldiers that spent years on end in the theatre of war for just causes.  How could I stop when I see the faces of children in IDP camps?  Who will stand up for them?  How will they view the world if I stop?  After sometime I realized that my struggles are important but will be overcome if I keep working to the best I can for those children. I have not stopped yet and I will continue on.