Saturday, February 4, 2012

Controlling emotions, Part two

The subject matter of my last article was about controlling emotions when dealing with other people. Having the knowledge to do such is a valuable element to keeping situations peaceful. As I think about what I wrote there is another element that is very important. That element is often the basis when a relationship fails and the words “it is not you it is me” are used.
There is a great deal of truth in those words. Sometime you just do not see a happy life and you now in your heart that something must change. Perhaps there have been times when you are no longer able to trust another person. The amazing part of this is that how you feel and what you think can be two opposing forces. You really do care for the other person but you know that you are in need of a change. The result is a conflict of being. How does a person manage that?
The crazy part is that the feelings of joy during initial courtship with the “love of your life” are the same as the feelings you have when you go through a breakup. The only difference is the circumstance and perception. The butterflies in the stomach turn into a gnawing worrying, the euphoric light head is now a heavy weight of sorrow and the constant smile is now a frown. These are signs of change and how you perceive that change will determine the label you give to them.
When you fall in love you are full of confidence, beauty, and joy. When breaking up it is the opposite. To manage these elements of life you may have to take leaps of faith. For example, some people say you do not choose who you love. That can be true if you want it to be. If you want to control your life then you need to be able to control who you love. Here we often confuse love with attraction. I have met a great deal of women that I have felt a very strong attraction to. In those circumstances a relationship was possible yet, the choice was made clear in my mind, engage in that attraction or not.
The feelings are always present in such moments and it is easy to be swept up in those times. This is the first step of choice. As with a breakup, it is a choice. Make that choice and be confident in that choice. Embrace that choice. When the feeling in the pit of your stomach ignites realize that is just change and see it as a positive force. That pit in your stomach is a butterfly, let it tickle you. Your feelings are there to provide information to you. There is no good or bad to them just straight forward information that there is something going on.
What if you were the one that was “dumped” and told the relationship is over? In that case, be prepared for the rage, destruction and revenge that you will have a strong desire to let loose.  This energy has to be dealt with in some manner. In some cases this is the cause of a great many junk food binges, fights, drunken idiocy, endless tears,smashed property, broken bones, and jail terms.
Rejection is something that we have great difficulty with, for obvious reasons, no one likes it. Rejection is forced upon us, usually it is not preferred. The element of significance is the major hit to self-esteem, it sucks the love of life right out of you. Get it? There lies the issue, love has been taken away and change is forced upon you.
Of all the shit I have gone through this is one of the hardest to deal with. All the ice cream, beer, chocolate, fighting and thoughts of revenge will have to be taken in strides. At some point you will have to come to terms with the reality that some things are not your choice. You did not choose to be alive (well maybe we do and just forget) but you certainly did not want this to happen, but it did. Somehow, someway you have to celebrate the experiences of life, this is one experience of many.
When the feelings of hurt come on strong, breathe deep. Thank yourself for getting through it and visualize a celebration of success. Drinking 24 bottles of beer or eating a tub of ice cream does not count, although I am sure it has been accomplished. This is all about getting back up and being a more intelligent, experienced and changed you.
In the moments when you feel the most pain, ask yourself why you are feeling that way. That sounds stupid because you know why, but focus on the question, is this doing any good. Hopefully you answer no and then you can seek to change that perception of pain. If you answered yes you have a great deal more work to stop the self-destruction.
Getting up from rejection is mostly dealing with controlling life. It takes a great deal of energy to get back up. It takes energy to self-destruct as well, gain control of that decision as quickly as possible. I plead everyone to choose rebuilding over destruction.
Finally after sometime the emotions of attachment will fade concerning that situation. What will remain is the reality of life. Those feelings may be felt again as you fall in love once more. The next time you do think of how both the feelings are the same. I can not promise it will make life easier but at least you may have more information to deal with it.
Good luck.

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